


Love Me Like You Do

by ReederJoe



Series: Transboy!Dan AU [1]
Category: Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: 2015!phan, Angst at the beginning, Fluffy Smut, Grinding, Hand Jobs, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Fluff, Phandom - Freeform, trans!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 16:36:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9193685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReederJoe/pseuds/ReederJoe
Summary: Dan has a nightmare about losing Phil in the worst way possible. Phil comforts him, and one thing leads to another.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this was originally a piece for an original story I was working on and ended up abandoning about three years ago. It's the first and only smut I've ever written, so be gentle.

_“Phil?” I choked his name out as soon as their hands released me. I crawled over to him; there was no strength left in me to stand. His eyes were closed, and I reached out with a shaky hand to grasp his where it laid on the dirty floor next to him. There was no reaction as my fingers gripped his, no indication that he even knew I was there. Still, I laced our fingers together and lifted his hand to my cheek, holding it to my skin. I felt a sob ripping its way to my throat as I realized I was holding dead weight. I leaned over him slightly, taking in the now relaxed features on his face. I knew if I lifted his head, I’d find the gash where they’d struck him, and even now I could see the blood still seeping from his side. I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting this to be my last memory of the man I’d fallen in love with. That thought brought fresh tears to the surface. He’d never know._

_“Real men don’t cry,” came a voice behind me. One of them, responsible for the scene in front of me. The sound of feet shuffling, and then a whisper in my ear, harsh and vile. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”_

_I shook my head fiercely, refusing to speak. Any words that came out would only make me look like the woman he believed me to be. My mind screamed at him to leave us be, for him and his bastard partner to go away. I clutched desperately at the arm in my grip, praying to whoever might listen for him to open his eyes and look at me. The two men behind me laughed together, apparently enjoying my torture, and then I finally heard their footsteps receding as they left the building. The door slammed shut._

_I lowered my head to his face, watching closely for a sign- any sign- that he might have survived. After a few moments of silence, I sighed, feeling my entire body shudder. There was nothing left of the person before me. It was nothing more than a vessel. I brought his hand to my lips and kissed his palm gently, and then I lowered his arm to the floor again, letting it rest by his side. I hadn’t intended to say anything, but my mouth opened of its own accord, and I heard myself whisper, “I love you, baby.” A pause, and then, “Always.”_

_I closed my eyes once more and allowed the feeling to wash over me. A sense of calm came over me, and I surprised myself by smiling slightly, now lost in the memories that would have to get me through it. I was stuck in that half-way dream world when I felt their hands on me. Without warning, they began dragging me, yanking me away from the only thing that mattered anymore. I opened my mouth to spew profanities at them, and then a hand was slapped over my lips._

“Bastards…Get off…Let me go…”

“Dan,” came the voice. It was barely a whisper, or maybe I just couldn’t hear. Hands were grabbing me all over, and I fought back with everything I had. One hand reached down between my legs, fondling me. I grabbed the wrist, squeezing as tight as I could. “Dan!”

“Get off!” My fist flew out, making contact with him. I reared my arm back to throw another punch, but a hand wrapped around my balled up fingers, and I was immediately aware of the difference in the touch. My eyes popped open, and I met the icy blue eyes of an extremely worried man. He held onto my fist tightly with one hand, and his other was laid over his shoulder. With a gasp, I realized what I’d done, and relaxed my arm.

Phil watched me for a moment, head craning to see. He shifted in the bed so that he faced me. We usually took turns spooning into each other, and tonight had been my turn to curl around him from behind. As soon as we faced each other, I grabbed onto him for dear life, one arm around his waist and the other over his shoulders. He groaned softly at the contact, and my heart sank as I realized I’d actually hurt him. He didn’t push me away, though, and I held him tightly as I tried to shove the images away. My chest heaved, and I realized how hard I’d been breathing.

“Oh God,” I whispered, pressing my cheek to the skin below his neck. For a few minutes, all I could do was nuzzle against him, and he seemed to understand that something was wrong, and he held me tightly, hands rubbing my back.

“Dan,” he murmured after a few minutes of silence.

“Hmm?”

“Talk to me, baby,” he said softly. I pulled myself away from him just enough to look into his eyes. The expression on his face told me he was terrified, but he was okay. Everything that had just happened was only a dream. I’d never been happier to wake up. I lowered my head back to his chest, and he moved one of his hands to cup my cheek, cradling my face as if it were suddenly fragile. His lips brushed over my hair, and he asked, “What happened?” I didn’t want to talk about it, but I wasn’t willing to let him keep that expression any longer than necessary.

“These two guys,” I began with a shudder, shuffling closer. He responded to this, held me against his chest. I doubted there was a single inch of skin that wasn’t in contact with his body, and this was the only thing that kept the panic at bay. “They were after us.” For the first time in my life, I was extremely relieved to have already told him what I used to be. I wouldn’t have been able to get the words out otherwise. His hand began rubbing my back again as I talked, while the other stroked the side of my face, fingers splayed out over my ear. It was incredibly soothing.

“They held me down,” I continued, forcing the words out. “One of them held me, and the other…he hit you. Took you by surprise while you were trying to help me…” The first tear worked its way out, and I took a deep breath. “They beat you. I couldn’t do anything. I tried to save you, but”- The words were stuck in my throat; I swallowed hard and tried again. “But, it was too late. They let me go, and I got to you finally, but you were gone.” I didn’t understand why it’d hit me so hard. I could feel him in my arms, solid and warm and obviously alive. So why did it still hurt so much? I was usually pretty good at keeping this kind of shit in check, but now I felt like I was about to lose all control of my emotions. Somehow, his grip tightened further, and I wondered briefly how this might feel under normal circumstances. I couldn’t really breath all that well, but I also didn’t really care. He was the only thing holding me together at the moment.

“I’m right here,” he whispered against my skin, pressing his lips in my hair again. I knew that he knew what was going through my head right now. I took a few deep breathes, telling myself it was okay. I pressed my cheek to his chest as he began rocking us gently. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m okay.” To my extreme displeasure, he pushed me away then, but still kept a grip on me. Before I could protest, he brought his face down to mine and looked at me closely. He said nothing, just kept his eyes steady on mine, and I had to admit that it was very calming, being able to see the slight sparkle that was definitive proof he was really okay. I closed my eyes for a moment, gathering the strength to tell him the rest, and then I felt his lips on mine. It was only for a moment, but I could hear the words he conveyed through the kiss.

“I cried over it for a while,” I told him, after he pulled away. “Held your hand to my cheek and tried to revive you through sheer willpower.” His brow furrowed at this, and I reached a hand up to smooth his skin out. “One of them leaned over me and said that real men didn’t cry.” My voice wavered slightly as I remembered this part, the part that made it like all the other nightmares I’d ever had. They all focused on that one aspect: that I’d tell the wrong person and pay for it. “He said, ‘isn’t that what you wanted?’ and made it out like I’d wanted them to do that.” I moved my hand to his shoulder again and slid it around his neck, saying, “I didn’t want it, Phil. I swear I didn’t.”

“I know that,” he soothed, running a hand through my fringe. “Nobody would want that.”

“I thought they’d left,” I continued then, wanting to get it all out and be done with it. “But then they came back and grabbed me, dragged me away from you. They forced me up, and then one of them tried to touch me.”

“And you fought back,” he commented with a chuckle. He looked down at me. “That’s my boy.” He smiled then, and I couldn’t help but return it.

“Sorry about that,” I told him.

“Don’t worry about it,” he assured me, and then his grip loosened as he sat up in the bed. I followed suit, unwilling to break that contact with him. We ended up side by side, facing each other slightly. Part of me wanted to tell him the one good scene in my dream, the part where I’d admitted my feelings. I was pretty sure he felt the same, but neither of us had said the word aloud to each other. The way he reacted tonight made me think that it might be the right time to tell him.

“There was one good thing about it all,” I said, reaching out to take his hand. He laced our fingers together, and I stared at them for a moment. After such a vivid moment in which he’d had no response to my touch, it was like a breath of fresh air to feel that response now. I brought our hands to my face and kissing his softly, letting my eyes close as I took in the feeling.

“I love you,” he said suddenly. My eyes flew open and I froze. My hand fell to the bed, taking his with it. His eyes clouded over with some kind of fear, and I realized what exactly had just been said. And then his mouth opened again, and he said something even better. “Never thought I’d feel it for anyone, but here we are.” He reached out and took my other hand in his, holding them both between us. “I’m in love with you.”

“Damn it,” were the words that slipped out. His eyes widened a bit, and I knew he was reeling, trying to guess what that meant. Before he could make it out as something bad, I leaned forward and kissed him. “You beat me to it,” I said against his lips, laughing. As I pulled away from him, a smile broke out on his face, and that led to my own, and then we were sitting there in the bed, grinning at each other like idiots.

“I love you, too,” I finally said, and his eyes sparkled with happiness. I found myself opening my arms up, and he gladly came to me, and we wrapped each other up tightly. After a few seconds, I heard a sniffle, and I realized Phil was crying. I held him as tight as I could, knowing those tears were of joy.

After what seemed like a lifetime, we pulled away from each other. My hands went to his face, fingers wrapping protectively over and under his ears. My thumbs stroked his cheeks, and he reached his own hands out to do the same to my face. I didn’t think I’d ever smiled so wide in my life, and I could see that happiness mirrored on him, and after a few long moments at staring at each other, our lips came together fiercely, crushing into one another. I’d never been very good at it, but he’d never seemed to care, or maybe he did think I was good, and I was just so full of doubt that it couldn’t be helped. My lips parted slightly, and I felt his tongue press in between them, seeking entrance. All the times I’d ever tried to do this with another person, it had ended in disaster. It just wasn’t something I could do, and it made me anxious to try. For some reasons, though, there was no panic rising up as his tongue slid into my mouth. There was only the desire to be closer to him, to crawl right inside his body where I’d be safe and warm forever. I made a conscious effort to let myself go, and I let my own tongue slip into his mouth, and they curled around each other in a way that made my entire body warm with desire.

A small whimper escaped his throat, and the sound went straight to my crotch. I was so shocked by my own reaction, I didn’t even think of trying to stop the moan rising up in my own throat. Instead of worrying about it, or feeling embarrassed by it, I pushed all those thoughts away and focused only on the man in my arms, the man I now knew for sure about. I knew with absolute certainty that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and the image of the two of us, gray-haired and old, popped into my mind and gave me the courage to let things go the way they were meant to go.

Eventually, we had to break apart to breathe, and I surprised us both by moving to his neck, placing my lips on his skin, and pressing a trail of kisses down to his chest. I heard him gasp, and then he took me by the waist and pushed me backwards into the headboard, straddling me. He took my face in his hands again and brought his lips back to mine, almost desperate in his grip. I could feel him against my stomach, pressing hard into my navel, and I felt a similar process starting in my own body. It wouldn’t be the same, not really, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t really matter in the end. He kept his lips on mine as his hands lowered to my chest, and he began rubbing all over, caressing the skin and leaving a trail of fire. Another small whimper came out and he released my lips suddenly, ducking his head. He trailed a line of feathery kisses down my chest, stopping at my navel, and my breath hitched in my throat as the realization dawned on me. He had never seen it before. After a moment of deliberation, I decided it was safe to assume that he didn’t care, so neither should I.

The only sounds in the room were heavy breathing and a steady stream of soft sighs and other noises that honestly made me want to blush. I actually couldn’t tell if I was or not, because every inch of my body was an open flame.

Without warning, Phil took me by the waist and flipped us, leaving me on top of him. I quickly took advantage of this new position and began pressing my lips to his chest in the same way he’d done mine, running my hands over his skin. I made my way down his stomach, and stopped when I got to his waistline. There was a very noticeable bulge in between his legs, and the image of it turned me on, but also scared me shitless. I looked up at him helplessly, and he grinned.

“Take it,” he whispered to me, nodding slightly. He stuck his thumbs under the fabric and slid his pants down, releasing his erection. It sprang up immediately and bobbed back and forth; the sight of it fascinated me, and not just in a sexual way. Time felt frozen as I felt his hand in my hair, and I swallowed my nerves before placing a soft kiss on his thigh. Before I could talk myself out of it, I wrapped a hand around him, eliciting a gasp louder than anything else I’d heard tonight. A feeling of pride surged through me; I was the one making him make those sounds.

Wordlessly, I began to stroke him, sliding my hand from base to tip quickly. He bucked underneath me, and I placed my free hand over his right hip, holding him down. I wasn’t even sure where all this was coming from; I’d sure as Hell never had any practice. His hands stroked through my hair as I jerked him off, and he let out a constant stream of sighs and moans. A small smile playing on my lips, I released my grip on him. He groaned at the loss of contact, and I crawled up his body to kiss him again.

“What a tease,” he mumbled breathlessly, and I would have been worried about it if he didn’t have such a huge smile on his face. I pressed my lips to his once more and felt his hands come around to my hips, fingering the waistline of my own pants. He met my eyes when I pulled back, and waited for me to nod my head before pulling them down. The sun was starting to rise, and through the dim light pouring in the window, I watched him take in my body, the parts of me he’d never seen before. His eyes widened, and I tried not to decipher the meaning behind it. I knew it was a lot to take in. Way back when, I’d been discussing my options with the doctor who would perform the most important surgery of my life. I’d had a lot of choices to sift through, and I’d eventually settled on the one that was deemed to be the safest by most of the surgeons.

A metoidioplasty, or clitoral release, was a procedure in which the clitoris was, according to the doctors, “released” from its place inside me. After that release, it grew in size and ended up being around four inches long. It resembled a penis, even down to the clitoral hood making a foreskin, and I’d insisted on having the urethral extension so that I wouldn’t have to sit down in the bathroom. I’d never have sperm or semen, and therefore would never have an ejaculation, but there were a million nerve-endings in that place, and every single one of them was singing with desire.

Under his gaze, it twitched, and his jaw dropped slightly. I didn’t know what he thought about it, but he didn’t run screaming when he saw it, so I decided it would be safe for us to continue. I reached for his hand and brought it my legs, and I shivered at the thought of him touching me. His fingers inched upwards, closing in on it. He didn’t know it yet, but he was the only person who’d ever seen it.

That was the last thought to cross my mind as his fingers came into contact. My hips bucked forward immediately, and he grinned. I could practically hear the words in that grin. Now it was his turn to be a tease.

He pushed me back into the pillows again and straddled me once more. Gone was any anxiety or nerves in my system, and the only thing left was a longing that left me almost delirious with arousal. He shifted over me slightly, lowering himself till he hovered over my groin. With a quick grin, he settled onto me, pressing us together. He began to rock his hips back and forth, causing our erections to rub together. While my mind tried to figure how to deal with the pleasure, he came back to my face and cradled it, smiling a soft smile that made me feel very comforted. “I love you,” he said, for the second time that night, and then he met my lips with his own, kissing me for what seemed like the hundredth time. I’d kissed him more tonight than everyone else in my life combined. His hips rocked steadily, and before long, I was meeting his thrusts without even thinking about it.

We didn’t last long. After just a minute or so, his features twisted into a scowl, and he released between us with a yell. The warm, sticky fluid on my stomach was enough to send me over the edge, and I held onto him tightly as my hips bucked upward. I couldn’t even breathe for a moment afterward, and then my breaths came in heaves as I tried to control my heart rate. Phil collapsed on top of me, chest heaving, and he turned his face to the side, pressing his cheek to my chest.

We stayed like that for a while, coming down from our first orgasm together. A thought made its way into my head as our senses came back to us, and I looked down at him. He was watching me, a light smile on his face. He shuffled up, bringing his lips to my cheek before tucking his head into the crook of my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around him, cradling him against my body. His left arm wound around my waist, and I didn’t even care that we were both sweaty and sticky. I’d have been content to lie here like this forever.

“Hey,” I murmured eventually. He turned his head to look at me, smile dominating his face. I wondered if he’d ever stop smiling, but then again, I hadn’t yet been able to wipe the grin from my own face.

“Yeah?”

“What we just did,” I whispered, turning red, “does it mean I’m not a virgin anymore?”

His eyes widened slightly at this revelation. I’d never told him that I was a virgin, but I knew he wasn’t. I’d been weary of it at first, but then I’d decided that if and when the time ever came, at least one of us would know what to do. He tightened his grip on me, considering. After a moment of thought, he turned to look at me again and asked, “What do you think?”

“I think… I think I’m not.” I smiled at the realization. “I like that idea.” He gave me a blank expression, and I laughed, cupping his face. “I like the idea of losing it to you.” I turned over to face him.

            “I like it, too,” he said softly, and I leaned in to kiss him gently. As I pulled away, he yawned, and I pulled him closer to me, nuzzling into his neck.

“Go to sleep,” I murmured against his skin, and I felt his arms wrap around me protectively. He laid his head over mine and began rubbing my back softly.

“Sweet dreams, baby,” he whispered sleepily, and I felt a swell in my heart as a thought occurred to me. I would see his face every night before I went to sleep, and every morning when I woke up. He was the only person I’d ever been this comfortable with, and I knew I’d never be happy with anyone else. As my eyelids drooped, I found myself hoping fervently that he was feeling the same way, and I smiled, knowing that he did.


End file.
